Mind, Matter, and Me

I recently switched therapists. It wasn’t totally my decision but its a change that I am happy with. And to be honest with you, I didn’t totally love my last therapist but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and leave her to find someone else (don’t worry – this people pleasing phenomenon is something I discuss at lengths with my current therapist). So when I received an email saying my therapist was leaving I was overwhelmed with the thought of finding someone new but was exceedingly relieved that she broke up with me and I could avoid disappointing her by leaving first.

I wasn’t obsessed with my first therapist because she never gave me any good nuggets of knowledge. I was looking for little sayings that I could tell myself or remind myself of that would help me through the fits and bouts of uncomfortable emotions we humans inevitably experience. Little sayings like, When you’re taking a hike, if you take breaks, you still get to the destination. Each leg of the climb gets you closer to where you need to be. Each segment is still progress. A euphemism for trying to relieve myself from the suffocating stress I feel when I have plenty of To-Do tasks and not enough time to do them when originally I had hoped to get them all out of the way. Thank you new therapist for that one!

But this post isn’t about that specific euphemism.

My new therapist is lovely. While I still am warming up to the ins and outs of therapy, I am appreciative of my therapist helping me reframe the ways I see myself.

I recently was telling her about some thoughts I was having and how I was frustrated with myself for not being able to do things I felt SHOULD be able to do. And she told me, “Maggie, what type of effect do you think this word ‘Should’ is having on you”. And if you, dear gentle reader, could do the same exercise my therapist threw at me, please silently reflect on something you thought should have been done today, or something you think you should be doing or should be preparing for. Pay attention to how the use of the word ‘should’ makes you feel about yourself.

If you’re like me (lucky you!) you might have noticed that the word ‘Should’ gave you a nagging feeling; it painted you in a negative light for not doing that one thing. My therapist and I discussed this. It was revealed to me that therapists advise their patients to forget about the word ‘Should’. As we explored my “Should” embedded thoughts, I realized how deeply I have been harming myself with the use of that word. Since then, my brain has not stopped analyzing that word.

A lot of the times I have felt disappointed in myself, in my performance, or in my abilities, it has all been because I was thinking I SHOULD have been one thing or another, something other than what I was. The word ‘should’ is at the core of every comparison I’ve ever taken part of… I should look like that, I should be making more money, I should be happier, I should have a life partner, I should be better at XYZ. Almost every time the word ‘Should’ makes its way into my head and my thoughts, it is there to be the party pooper. It’s there to shit on me and make me forget about the things I am capable of, or the remarkable things I have accomplished. It robs me of my brains ability to be rational, to be grounded in the things that are true. Beyond that, the word ‘Should’ opens a door for me to feel entitled to judging or being envious of those who possess what ever it is I think I should be or have.

The word ‘Should’ is a robber, a thief, a hypnotist, a parasite, and a real fucking bitch.

Because while I may feel as if I should be doing something I am not, I am forgetting the amazing things I am currently or I am working towards. The word ‘Should’ erases any and all progress. And I am nothing if not a work in progress.

I have not stopped thinking about this phenomena. Since this conversation with my therapist, I have caught myself using the word ‘Should’ and kindly redirected myself. I have been using that word relentlessly and unwittingly for 20+ years and I carry plenty of insecurities because of it. However, with my new awareness of the undermining qualities this word holds, I am able to take power back and control over the narratives the word ‘Should’ has told me.

This all to say if you don’t think you’re vibing with your therapist, it would be in your best interest to find someone who gives you what you need. Actually scratch that. If you don’t vibe with anyone you have a relationship with, go on a search elsewhere! You deserve to have your needs met:) For me I needed golden nuggets of knowledge that I can hyper-fixate on and that can hopefully alter my brain chemistry for good.

This is my farewell letter to the word ‘Should’. You were well loved, used and terribly detrimental. Mwah!

Your recovering should-addict friend,

me

“One day, if you get into a position of power, tell people this: Just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should. There is a power and a beauty in unproved conjectures, unkissed lips, and unpicked flowers.”

– Matt Haig, The Human