Mind, Matter, and Me

Last week, I took myself to go see the Phantom of the Opera at the Cadillac Theater. Oh. MY God. I have been changed. As a theatre adoring person, I knew nothing about the Phantom of the Opera besides there was a ghost, maybe the woman falls in love with said ghost? and the music is opera heavy? Wrong wrong and wrong. Mostly. The music has consumed my brain. Some little person lives inside my head and will not stop smashing the keys of an organ to play the Phantoms iconic theme. And DAMN that chandelier. I got FBCs when that puppy was unveiled and the theme started playing. I would go see it again today, I will see it any time it is near me, and I think it is a new favorite musical of mine.

But that is not completely what I wanted to write about. What struck me the most during my time at The Phantom, was how at some point, while in a trance provided by the heavenly vocals, my brain brought me back to reality. I remembered that disheartening photo I saw earlier in the day. Liam, the the cutest 5-year old boy in the most pure blue animal hat who had been taken by ICE government workers as bait, had popped into my head. I was overtaken by feelings of guilt and shame.

These are feelings I have been sitting and struggling with on how to navigate for the past however many days/months that our government has been kidnapping children and people, killing innocents, and causing distress in communities throughout the US. But especially now in Minnesota.

What selfish bitch sits in a musical and tries to enjoy herself when such horrible actions are being forced upon citizens of the US and those who have lived here and kindly contribute to the systems of the US? Me. I do. I have sat in a musical, attended an author event, and gone to work all while trying to find a point to it all.

I feel distressed a lot of the time. Instagram is a constant reminder of the fucking hellscape of a system, society, and world we are currently living in. I try my best not to go on instagram and thats not to avoid these tragedies but rather to avoid the insensitivity that is seen on the app as well. It’s hard to go between a happy birthday story to a video of a person being shot and killed. To go from someones fun day activities, to a reminder that the government is currently lying through their rotten teeth to cover up these acts of murder committed by ICE. The evidence of their lies on the next instagram story as we see that Renee Good was a women who had no intent to harm, and the same for Alex Pretti, as he had done nothing but stick up for someone who was being harassed and abused by ICE agents.

Everyday that I get a new email from the NYT in my inbox about a new article they think I might be interested in, I fear for the headline that I am about to read. I feel helpless. I feel defeated. I feel terrible sadness. I feel sharp rage and anger. Out of all the emotions I am feelings, and I am sure we are all feeling, I have found that my rage and my anger have proved to be the most mobilizing emotions. They fuel me. They remind me of the times we would all sit in our too small chairs in history class, learning about any of the horrific acts in the US and Worlds history, thinking, “Now who in the flying FUCK allowed this to happen”. The chairs became claustrophobic to me as I thought about what kind of person allows crimes and injustices such as these to happen. Not even just allowing them, but supporting them. Defending them even. This is where a lot of my rage and anger come from. Disappointment in my fellow people who condone the behaviors happening.

I worry for those who see no wrong with the unlawful acts being committed daily by our own government. I worry for those who cannot see through the endless lies and propaganda being fed to the general public by the government. I worry for whose who use any sort of religion as an excuse for their beliefs on what is currently happening.

We are living in another historic time and I will fight like hell to be on the right side of history. This is where my only sense of peace is coming from. Knowing that in history, abuse of government power has never reflected positively on those in government. That in some idyllic future, kids will have to sit and learn about our current fuck ass president and the children will wonder, ‘now who in the flying FUCK voted this MF in office’. I have never voted for him. He has done nothing to make me like a single thing about him. He is unreputable. He is not the sole reason we are in this state of things, but he is the fattest contributor. (double entendre used on purpose:)

Everything is so contradictory in our presidents world. We must all have the right to legally carry guns. However, if you are doing so and I see it while you are intervening during my abuse rampage, I will take it and I will kill you. The word of God is the truth! Except I do not love thy neighbor and I believe it is okay for me to only love people who benefit me and my agenda. Every embryo deserves a chance to live, all lives are equal. Except once they arrive, I may borrow them if I find them as useful bait. Or I will send them to uninhabitable detainment centers.

It was never about being legally allowed to carry weapons. It was never about being more like Jesus. It was never about caring about children.

It’s getting tiring trying to make sense of the made-up rules they play by.

I go to work and I cannot believe I am at a job trying to support myself while all of this terror, unjustified murder, illegal kidnapping, dehumanizing containment conditions, and forceful harassment are ensued thanks to ICE, a government system that is failing us, and a president that is the closest thing we have seen to a dictator in the US. If you feel similarly overwhelmed by dealing with your individual life while also feeling for the lives of others and the injustices they face, know that you are not alone. There is not a right way. But it’s important to keep acknowledging and holding space for the devastations occurring daily.

The best we can do is use our voice. Speak on the horrors happening. Show the world that we fight for ourselves yes, but mostly for those we don’t know but who have been wronged. We the People are not just going to sit and let an overruling government tell us how things are done. And that inspires another positive emotion in me. Hope.

Your livid neighbor,

me

oh and hey, Fuck ICE ❤