Mind, Matter, and Me

I signed up to receive daily motivating texts last semester. I got an ad for them and I was in a bad mental space and thought, what the hell! Why not! They haven’t added much to my life. Yet I refuse to unsubscribe (because that would be quitting and I hate quitting). Last school year in general was a terrible year for me and my mental health. Starting nursing school will do that to a person. The expectations, the pressure, the new type of thinking, and the ungodly amounts of hours spent in the hospital to go home and do paperwork to then study for an impossible class that is taught by nurses, not educators, was all very difficult. I texted my mom at one point hoping to start a prescription for anxiety medications. I was head strong about starting therapy and working on my mental health because I could feel it slipping away from me and my control.

But instead I signed up for motivating texts.

Whats crazy is how easy it is to rationalize that you don’t need extra help or support. That you can figure it out on your own. That maybe that last thing didn’t work for you but this next diet, next fitness plan, next project, next book, next month, next week will be different. It will be the thing that helps me get thought this. What ever “this” might be for you. For me it has been the past year of my life. A whole year of promising myself that the next thing will help me get better.

Heres what I know. I haven’t gotten all that much better. Life has actually only kicked me on my ass about ten times over. I have experienced the hardest year of my life. For a million reasons. But recently I have learned that sharing what I am carrying (emotionally and mentally that is) helps my mental health, a lot. It was losing a close friend that taught me this.

Now I get that that can sound oddly twisted but hear me out. I was a wreck the whole time he was in the hospital and while we were all preparing to spend our last day physically sharing the earth with someone we love. I cried on my walks to class, I cried in my room, I cried anywhere, so long as it was in private. That is until the day he passed, when I sobbed with my friend in her room. Taking turns soothing each other and trying to wrap our head around the fact that someone we both loved deeply was taken too early from the world, from us and our lives. Then I had a mental breakdown on my kitchen floor. My roommate comes to hug and cry with me while I sit on the floor wailing. In comes another roommate for more hugs. My point is, when I cried, emoted, and told my roommates or friends how I was feeling, I felt lighter. Life’s trials and tribulations had gotten too heavy for me to carry it all on my own. For so long, I have been afraid to tell others how I feel or to even BE vulnerable in front of others because it felt like I was unloading, offloading, making my problems someone else. Which you kinda are (in some ways); but carrying everything alone is unrealistic and is harmful to the carrier.

The thing I learned quickly during this time was that holding on to the things one feels, thinks, or imagines with out sharing only isolates you. It physically closes you off from others. We would all feel a little less alone if we collectively chose to share the feelings that we hide, because through that, you would learn we share the same hidden feelings.

You can’t enjoy the sunshine if you never leave your house. You never feel the rain unless you drop your umbrella. You never know unwavering love unless you open yourself up.

I think my mental health has been dog crap recently because of how much I have chosen to carry alone. I thought complaining about anything would make me seem ungrateful. Or being sad would make me look like I was asking for attention. But heres the thing… we ALL have similar feelings. These feelings don’t label me as anything other than human. I hope more people can be willing to ask their friends if theres anything on their minds. Sit down and listen. Encourage conversation and commend them for sharing. Happy or sad, big or small.

These one sided discussions are giving ME a new purpose. They are helping me carry less. They are motivating me. Much more than my daily texts.

Although, my daily text today seemed aptly timed thanks to the start of this project.

Heres hoping my stories will help someone believe that they too can find a way out of whatever mental rut they may be experiencing. Find something that motivates you. Something that possibly feeds your fulfillment needs. Something that lets you feel connected. For me, it’s writing and creating.

Do not be afraid to share the load. No one should carry the weight of their world on their own.

Loving you and us always,

Me

“What’s the truth without someone to hear it?
What’s a feelin’ without someone to feel it?” – Healy, Nikes On 🎵