Mind, Matter, and Me

I have trouble living in the moment.

I think others experience a similar feeling, too, so I understand I am not alone in this phenomenon. However, I believe mine is pretty severe. I suffer from something totally made up (by me) called planners syndrome. Its a condition (totally fictional) where the effected person suffers from the inability to relax and enjoy most moments because they are constantly planning the next thing, worrying about timing, or hyper-fixating on their schedule. This planners syndrome is something I have lived with for a while now.

Unlike the fictional disease, the side effects are real and not made up. I have a planning issue that hinders my ability to enjoy fun parts of life.

I have been optimistically hoping this would change when life started to get less stressful. But then I wondered, when the flying fuk would that be. When I finish school? Just to start a real job where I am responsible for the health and well being of people… Or will life be less stressful when I am on my own? Where I will then have real big girl bills to pay and life to figure out… or am I thinking life will be more enjoyable when all the things that are currently stressing me out go away?

Then I realized, what is life with out stress coming and going? It’s a fantasy.

At school, I am constantly on the clock. I go to bed with a plan for the next day down to the hour. Wake up at 7:20. Get ready and go to work. Work 8-12. After work grab lunch at my sorority house before class 1-3. Walk home and do homework. Homework till 5. Don’t forget to feed yourself! Work out? Read? What do I want to make time for before I want to be in bed by 9/10 so I can get proper sleep? Plan my next day.

With my constant planning, comes constant anxiety. What if class gets out late??? That cuts into my homework time. If I have to extend homework time, I eat dinner later. Or do I work out then eat dinner at 8? Is that too late to eat dinner? WHAT IF MY SCHEDULE DOESN’T GO AS PLANNED?? OR IS THE SAYING SUPPOSED TO BE “WHAT IF MY PLAN DOESN’T GO AS SCHEDULED” ??

The world ends. I have failed.

If you are reading this and think I might be a little off the hinges, let me say this: Me and you both sista.

I know that this planning and schedule fixation I have is not healthy. I know that it impacts my mental health severely. It can make me not an enjoyable person on occasion. It makes small things seem bigger. It makes me an anxious person. It hinders my ability to live in the moment

What is frustrating is I have spurts of positive (healthy, even) thinking; thoughts of “This will come and go and I will still be here” or “I am more than what is troubling me right now”. And I love myself that much more when I reward my self and my mind with positive thinking. Like good girl! You remembered to water the dying plant!!

But then I am frustrated that it was so short lived. A plant isn’t saved by once a month watering.

The next day I am planning and spiraling all over again. Mid spiral I forgot to take in the hilarious moment on the couch with my roommates where we measured our heights and discussed why my 5’4″ roommate thought we are the same height. I am half absent when I am visiting a friend at her apartment and her and her roommates are having an awesome, funny conversation.

How do I teach myself to not rush dinner with my family because I am trying to get to drinks with my friends? How to teach myself to accept changes in plans with out breaking out hives? How do I live in this damn moment everyone is talking about.

The truth is I don’t know. And I don’t think anyone knows. I think we are all trying the best we can. That, in itself, is comforting too; that everyone here is just doing the best they can. I don’t need to have it all together or prove anything because we are all trying our absolute best.

But this is what I am hoping to work on. I don’t want to say it’s a new years goal because I know this always worried, planning, anxious, stressed part of myself is somewhat innate. What I want to tell you that it’s something I will be working on for the rest of my life.

Deep breaths and self talking mantras. Going on walks and listening to classical piano (my new favorite genre on music. I love it so much). Talking to and laughing with friends. Writing out my inner thoughts. Slowing down and acknowledging my journey and the journey others are on. Remembering we are all doing what we think is best at all times. Life is to be experienced without one emotion being left out. It’s not all happy and no sad. It’s messy.

Everyday I am now working on reminding myself that stress factors are present throughout all of life. What life is, is finding a way to live despite all the stress. Life is learning how to enjoy a moment.

I am going to work on putting myself in moments instead of keeping my self on a schedule.

I will learn how to live a momentous life with planners syndrome, once and for all! Huzzah!

Your girl on a tight sched,

Me