Mind, Matter, and Me

I know my eldest brothers least favorite movie.

I know that this is a movie he completely and utterly despises. So much so, that when we went to go see it in theatre on Christmas day, he walked out after no more than 30 minutes of the movie. He also, on his IMDB app, rated it the lowest out of every TV show or Movie he’s ever seen in his ENTIRE LIFE. He talks about this so called “worst movie of all time” at least once a month.

I think he has dragged this gag out for as long as he has because I absolutely adore this movie. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time. Being his younger sister, it must be some older brother requirement to see how often he can evoke a reaction out of me. And let me tell you, he gets one every time he rips on this movie.

The movie in question is Little Women, the 2019 version.

I watched the movie yesterday with my roommate and we both sat on the couch enraptured by the film. I cried no less than 5 times. 10 times max. I sat there quietly crying at all the beautiful moments shared between the four sisters, their family, their neighbors, and their friends. The love they share, the gratitude they have, the hardships they carry.

As little bits of wisdom are sprinkled all through out the film, my roommate and I sit there just “hmph”-ing our agreeance and acknowledgement to what was just shared.

Jo, the main character, is someone I have trouble loving and trouble hating. She is so determined to maintain her independence, keep her family afloat, and is certain that what she believes is right and just. Which I love! and I support! I scream yes to independent women! I appreciate a caregiver in a family! I love confidence in your ideas and self! But it also comes to a fault. Such a fault where you see how her thinking can be damaging.

At one point, her and her sister Beth are at the beach. (Spoiler coming I think?) Beth is sick and feels like she is going to die soon. Beth says this about her impending death, “Its like a tide going out. It goes out slowly but it cannot be stopped”. and Jo replies, “I can. I can stop it”

What made me give my “hmph” of acknowledgement to this statement was the fact that I think I find myself thinking I hold more power over life than I do. Similar to Jo thinking she can stop an inevitable death. I cried then, obviously (because the sister was dying, because I recognized a toxic way of thinking that I find myself doing, because the cinematography is beautiful in this scene).

Often times, I like to believe that I have constant control over what goes on in my life. And what this does to me, is it harms me. What really happens is that when something bad occurs or when something in the category of a fault or mistake or wrong doing or unexpected outcome transpires, I then, in my head, end up taking the blame. I had control. I always have control. I didn’t stop it fast enough. I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t intervene soon enough.

But that is not true. I am not God. I am not the Universe. I am not a higher power. Life is like a tide going out, it goes and it cannot be stopped.

What I deserve to give myself is grace and understanding. I don’t hold power in most of what happens to me in this life. All I can try to do is embrace this tidal wave that is life, no matter how slowly or quickly it rolls through for me.

Everyone deserves that. I hope you give it to yourself, too. I hope we can body surf the tidal wave of life together. Because the one thing I can control in this life, is who I choose to surround myself with.

So far, my people continue to be the best. I am proud of them and myself for that.

I mean look at this photo.

Isn’t that shot just beautiful? Everyone needs to watch Little Women. It makes me nostalgic for childhood. It makes me want to grow up all over again. It makes me want a sister… but most importantly, it also has so many nuggets of wisdom.

It has reminded me I don’t have complete control, and I can therefore stop hating myself for things that I can’t control. I can let go and let be:)

Your body surfing buddy,

Me

“A reminder that no matter what we lose, no matter how uncertain and unpredictable life gets, some people really do walk next to you forever” – Dolly Alderton, Everything I Know About Love: A Memoir

Some other time, we will have to discuss Jo’s conversation with her mom where she says “I care more to be loved” and her mom replies, “That is not the same as loving”. Another biiiggg “HMMPHHH” to that. XOXO