Mind, Matter, and Me

It’s always hard to return to a project that you in some sense feel has failed.

I have been avoiding writing for this blog for quite some time. I have been struggling with writing, I have been struggling coming up with topics I feel I have any right to publicly give my opinion on, and I have been struggling with the weight of knowing that a lot of what I write and produce is open to be judged and interpreted by others and also becomes a reflection of me.

I have been increasingly aware of the fact that what I say and do gets perceived by others…and you have no idea how quickly that sends me into a full on existential crisis.

I remember laying in a hammock staring at the stars as a friend and I discussed any topic under the sun. It was one of those skies where every star was visible, showing us how infinitely small we were in that moment. Those kind of skies open people up for deeper conversation. We were talking about if we feared death and what we would want to be remembered for. I remember telling my friend that I was struggling with digesting the fact that I was a character in their life, kinda like they are a character in my life. The more I voiced my fascination with the fact that I was a side character in everyones life besides my own, the more I panicked. How terrifying to know that the total number of persons who truly knows you adds up to one. Yourself. Everyone else gets to form opinions and have ideas and perceptions of who we are and what the things we do we mean or the reasoning behind them. You must be so sure of yourself, so confident, that the opinions of others do not bother you. In my time away from this silly little blog, I had lost sight of the fact that the best gifts I can give myself are confidence, compassion, and grace.

I really care about what other people think about me (if you haven’t noticed already XD). And within that realm, I never want anyone to think I am not authentically myself. This is part of the reason I haven’t returned to my blog. A lot of this blog is discussions around things I try to do or reframe in order to lead a healthier and happier life. (That was not my intention for this blog because I have never ever considered myself someone who was qualified enough to write about bettering ones self, but I also had no idea where this blog was going to go.) I’ve had a hard time returning to this blog and its writings because I have been feeling like a fraud. It has been too daunting to come back after so long and feel convinced that what I am going to say is true, and real because I have neglected working on my self. I have been consumed by bouts of anxiety that told me to be upset with things in my life I have previously loved or embraced.

I started caring about what I looked like as my side character role in the lives of others rather than focusing on the main character life I live.

So much of our lives are going to be judged by others. We live within social media for crying out loud. But I want to stop caring about what people are going to think when I post the most random stuff on my instagram stories. I want to stop worrying about if what I write about will be taken the wrong way. I want to stop worrying about what I look like as a side character in other peoples lives, because my body and my self are my home for this life. I want to be kind to my home.

Confidence, compassion, and grace.

I hope to be back sooner than the last time, aka the nifty 4-5 months I was away. I will be living all wily nilly until then. Posting random shiiii and having silent dance parties in my bathroom mirror and writing in my gratitude journal. Working out to grow stronger, reaching out to people because I care about them, and trying things that scare me.

This project hadn’t failed as I thought it did. I simply started to overthink. Think less, do more!

Your definitely licensed self help expert (this is a huge lie),

me

“It ain’t the being alone, it ain’t the empty home, baby. You know I’m good on my own. You know, it’s more the being unknown. So much of the living, love, is being unknown”

Hozier, Unknown / Nth